yes
The best way I can explain it is with an analogy. It’s almost like being handed a small menu with a few really solid options on it. The options are good. They could even be great. But then right next to that menu is a giant book the size of an encyclopedia, and every page is filled with endless choices. Paragraph after paragraph, page after page, more and more options. So instead of appreciating what’s in front of them, people keep looking. They keep searching, keep scrolling, keep wondering if something better is out there. They may settle on one thing for a little while, but then they’re right back to thinking there has to be something else.
That is exactly what dating feels like now.
People do not take dating seriously the way they used to. Commitment feels way too hard for so many people. I know people who have been engaged for ten years or more, and yet getting married is somehow still “too much commitment.” At the same time, they may have already brought one or multiple children into the world together. I’m definitely old school when it comes to that. Now yes, life happens. Things happen inside families. Situations happen. But at the same time, you also do not want to settle for something that is not good for you either. That matters too.
We really need to know people before we start building lives with them, especially before having children with them. And when it comes to the dating pool now, it feels like an endless array of people who say they want commitment, but really they do not. They want fun. They want games. They want attention. They want something temporary while speaking in permanent language.
That’s my answer to that question.
Why do people stay in relationships that hurt them?
Because a lot of people do not believe they deserve anything better.
A lot of it comes down to self esteem. It comes down to what a person believes they are worthy of. Some people stay because it feels easier than being alone. Some stay because they are used to chaos, so chaos feels normal to them. Some stay because they truly believe they can change the other person. They think, they’re young, or I’ve changed, so maybe now the relationship will change too. But that is not how it works.
People stay in relationships that are unhealthy, draining, or even horrific because familiarity can feel safer than the unknown. And it does not always have to be physical abuse for it to be damaging. It can be emotional. It can be mental. It can just be a relationship that constantly drains the life out of you.
That’s why discernment matters so much.
You have to ask yourself if this is actually a relationship that has long term health in it or if you are just clinging to the idea of what you hope it could become. A lot of younger people especially look at a relationship and think, this is the love of my life, this is forever, this will never end. Most of us have been there in some form, and most people end up regretting rushing past red flags because people grow, people shift, and sometimes they grow in completely different directions.
One thing I always say, and I’ll keep saying it here on my blog, is that you become the five people you surround yourself with. That is real. Who you surround yourself with will shape you. Are those people kind? Are they bullies? Are they gossipers? Are they slanderers? Are they drinkers? Are they drug users? Are they always angry? Are they always negative? Whatever surrounds you consistently will start affecting you too.
I have watched people come into relationships bright, healthy, full of life, and then slowly turn into exhausted versions of themselves. I’ve seen it in real life. I’ve seen it on social media. I’ve been in relationships like that too. I did not stay. I got counseling because I knew I was not going to settle for that kind of life.
For me personally, it also has to be faith centered. I mean truly faith centered. Not just someone who says they believe in God, but someone who is in the Bible, in church, in Bible study, and serious about family, communication, character, and how they live. I know that kind of man is out there. Until then, I am not bending what I believe in just because society thinks it is strange.
I’m also not doing things out of order just because the world has normalized it. I have said it before and I will say it again: when you’re a girlfriend, you do girlfriend things. When you’re a fiancée, you do fiancée things. When you’re married, you do married things. Too many people are out here playing the role of a wife or a husband without the actual commitment, and then they end up with endless promises and nothing solid behind them.
And while I’m being honest, we also need to stop treating divorce like it’s just a casual breakup. Marriage is a serious commitment. We need to know who we are marrying. We need to take that time and really break things down. We need to look at patterns. We need to look at how they talk about their exes. If every ex is “crazy,” that is a red flag. That is worth paying attention to.
People really need to slow down and take relationships more seriously.
Why do people run when the conversation becomes real?
Because a lot of people do not want truth if it threatens their comfort.
Coming from me, someone who is very communicative and who has been in counseling on and off since I was young, communication is not something I struggle with. I can have real conversations. I can talk things through. But a lot of people are avoidant. They do not want to hear certain truths because those truths interrupt the fantasy they are living in.
Some people would rather manipulate, deflect, or twist things than face what is actually being said. A lot of people will even write or say horrible things about others, but if you really look closely, they are often exposing themselves. They are telling on themselves without even realizing it. What they accuse others of is often what is living inside of them. That is deflection. That is projection. That is toxicity.
A lot of people would rather keep things surface level, sarcastic, silly, or constantly joking than actually go deep. Now, I’m not saying you want someone boring. Of course not. You want to laugh. You want to joke. But sometimes when the same “joke” keeps coming up over and over again, there is truth sitting underneath it. I think most of us have been there before. Sometimes people disguise their real feelings or character traits behind humor and sarcasm, and if you are paying attention, you can catch it.
I’m speaking from what I’ve experienced, what I’ve witnessed, and what I’ve seen play out in other people’s relationships too. Some of it is so obvious from the outside, but you cannot force people to see what they are not ready to see. Sometimes they have to learn it on their own.
And this brings me to something I really want to make clear
The internet is fake.
Not in the sense that every single person online is lying about every single thing, but in the sense that what you are seeing is a tiny, filtered, carefully chosen piece of a bigger reality. It is thirty seconds of someone’s life. It is edited. It is curated. It is staged. People set up their camera and act like they just woke up glowing and perfectly put together, and that is not real life. Real life is messy. Real life is waking up with messed up hair, bad breath, hard emotions, responsibilities, stress, and imperfections.
But when people constantly consume these polished little moments, they start comparing their real life to someone else’s performance. They start thinking, my life doesn’t look like that, my house doesn’t look like that, I don’t have those products, I don’t have that relationship, I don’t have that money. And that mindset becomes a trap.
So much of what people chase is materialistic, and none of it can do anything lasting for your character. It may be nice to treat yourself here and there, and there is nothing wrong with that, but when life becomes all about money, status, looks, and worldly things, that is a dangerous place to live from. We need to spend more time focusing on who we are as people. Our character. Our values. Our integrity. The condition of our heart.
That matters so much more than appearances ever will.
So I think answering these few questions was good. There are definitely more, but I feel like after a while I would start repeating myself because so many of them connect back to the same deeper issues. I also did not want this post to become extremely long.
Mostly, I just wanted to step away from hyper focusing on my illness and everything surrounding that right now. Otherwise, my blogs can start to feel repetitive, and sometimes I do not want to share every part of my everyday life. Some things need to stay a little more private, especially in this season of my life. I think this season of growth has made me a lot more private in general.
So lately, I’ve been paying more attention to the kinds of questions people seem to be asking, the conversations that keep coming up, and the thoughts people seem to wrestle with under the surface. There are obviously faith-based questions too, and I do keep space for those, but I wanted this one to stay a little more non faith based.
I hope you enjoy it, but more than that, I hope you reflect on it. I hope you really listen to what is being said when you sit with these questions for yourself.