Today was a more emotional day for me. Prayer is a huge part of my life not just once in the morning or before bed, but throughout the day. I guess you could call me a prayer warrior, because since 2016 I’ve rarely stopped. Even when I drifted away from the Bible for a few years, the prayers never left me. I’ve been back in the Word again, and it feels right. But today, my heart felt heavy.
I’m so happy for those who have found their person the couples who are married, traveling, laughing, supporting one another, building those joyful lives together. I don’t envy them, I’m truly happy for them. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t pray for that myself too. My prayer list has always been simple employment, a husband, and family. Of course, I pray over countless other things throughout the day if something comes to my spirit, but those are the big ones.
Earlier, before laying down for a power nap, I got emotional because somehow Instagram decided to drop me into “wedding and proposal land.” Scrolling through all those beautiful moments the smiles, the love, the promises it just hit me. I thought about the last two relationships I had, the only real ones in my life, and how toxic they both were and nothing since.
One was years ago, and while I still check in on him sometimes because he has cancer, the relationship part has been dead for so long. The other one… that was the heartbreak. Future faking, empty promises of marriage, forever talk, painting pictures of a life together only to find out none of it was real. That’s a pain that’s hard to explain, because when someone feeds you that dream, you let yourself believe. You get excited. You feel joy. And then it all crashes, and you realize you’ve spent years in something that wasn’t true.
But I’ve learned. I’ve learned about boundaries. I’ve learned that if someone wanted to, they would. Period. End of story. It’s the line I tell myself every time I start to question. If he wanted to, he would have. It doesn’t make the hurt disappear, but it gives me peace knowing I did the right thing by walking away.
Looking back, I see now that I was caught in loops of fake love. And yes, I know there are people out there who celebrate when I’m hurting. That’s their sickness, not mine. I don’t care what they think. I don’t wish bad on anyone. I don’t talk about people unless they’re toxic, and then I’ll just block them and move on. That’s who I am faith-based, not revenge-based.
So yeah, today was heavy. Vulnerability is part of healing, and I even shared a little about this in a YouTube video. I hope it helps someone else out there feel less alone.
For now, I’m going to focus on what fills me training later, prayer always, and faith that my story isn’t over.
Youtube video is up above
Happy Saturday