Today was a rough one. Honestly, it really started on the 17th at night. I tried to play it cool and let it go, but there are just some things I can’t shake no matter how I look at them. For privacy’s sake, that’s all I’ll say about that.
What I will say is this I need to get better at seeing patterns, at believing what people show me instead of what they say. I need to stop believing the words “I love you” when they don’t carry any real weight behind them. Because most of the time, it’s just bull.
So I had no choice but to choose me. Because I knew exactly how this was going to play out, and I know what I can handle and what I can’t. I was sick to my stomach all night, barely slept four hours, then crashed again until this afternoon. I finally got up, went out of the house, hit the park, ran some hills, walked some laps. Did it make me feel better? No. Not right now. If I’m honest, I haven’t truly felt “better” in years.
But here’s the thing I can’t keep taking the risk anymore. I can’t keep expecting even the bare minimum. If someone wants to be there, they will. If they don’t, then they don’t want to. It’s that simple. It doesn’t have to be complicated. But as humans, we always want to believe the best in people, so we make excuses, give chance after chance, until we’re hurt again or worse, hear things that we can’t ever unhear.
The truth is, not everyone has the heart that you do. Most people are selfish pieces of shit, to be real about it. And I don’t usually swear, but I’m done. Done being treated like gum under someone’s shoe. Done being breadcrumbed with crumbs so tiny it’s insulting, while I give my whole heart.
Do I wish things were different? Of course. But are they going to be? No. Because a lot of people don’t change. I do. And I’m proud of that. But I won’t play games, live in confusion, or be someone’s “second best.” I won’t tolerate being the backup plan. Actions have consequences period.
Let’s be real. Men know exactly what they want. They know within a short time if they see forever with a woman. If they’re still “figuring it out,” you’re not the one. They know what you want they just don’t want to give it to you. That’s the hard truth. And no one who truly loves you will ever make you feel abandoned, unwanted, or like you’re asking for too much.
So here’s where I stand if someone doesn’t want to give me the time of day, let them miss out. If they can’t show up when it’s inconvenient, let them miss out. Let them miss the texts that would’ve made their whole day, the calls that showed I cared, the loyalty I poured out, the unconditional love that only comes once in a lifetime.
Let them miss out on the outdoors-loving, big-hearted, loyal woman I am. Let them miss out on the growth I’ve fought for, the healing I’ve carried, and the life I’m building. Let them miss out on all of it.
Because I finally know my worth. And that means I’m done handing myself over to people who never deserved me in the first place