Tonight it is almost one o’clock in the morning and I’m sitting here not feeling the best physically. Around eight tonight a really bad headache started to settle in and it’s still lingering. Today was actually a good day in many ways because I got my hair done, and right now even something as simple as getting out of the house feels like a huge accomplishment. With the complications I’ve been dealing with and the medications they gave me that seem to be making things harder instead of easier, leaving the house has become extremely difficult. Tomorrow well technically today since it’s already Friday I have a doctor’s appointment with my primary care doctor to follow up on something from over three weeks ago. I did have a telehealth visit with another doctor in the same office, and they told me I needed to see GI, but GI has completely let me fall through the cracks. Two phone calls, no follow through, no real guidance, no medical advice, no appointment scheduled. Nothing. At some point you have to advocate for yourself and that’s exactly where I am now. I need someone who is actually willing to help me figure out how to live a life that is still enjoyable despite everything going on with my health.
This has been six or seven months now of dealing with chronic idiopathic pancreatitis on top of acute flares, and it has been one of the most defeating seasons of my life. Every once in a while I’ll get a good week, or maybe a couple good days, sometimes even just a good half day where I feel like myself again, but overall it has been exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally. My kids have been supportive and I appreciate them more than they know, and my daughter has helped a lot, but everyone has their own lives. They have families, kids, relationships, responsibilities. I understand that. But when you’re struggling this deeply, there are moments where the weight of everything just feels incredibly heavy.
Faith is what carries me through most of this. I pray constantly. There are three specific prayers that I pray over and over again every single day. I won’t list them here, but they are always on my heart. On top of that, I pray for my family, my kids, my grandkids, my friends, my community. I actually have a wall in my home where I keep envelopes filled with written prayers for different areas of life. Prayer has always been a huge part of who I am. I’m also almost finished reading through the New Testament, and spending time in the Word grounds me when everything else feels uncertain. I know the truth that we are supposed to keep praying, keep knocking, keep trusting, but at the same time I am still human. Nights like tonight remind me of that. Nights when the pain is there, the exhaustion is there, and the grief creeps in quietly.
Grief is something that doesn’t just show up on anniversaries or holidays. It shows up in random moments, like tonight, when you wish you could pick up the phone and call your mom just to hear her voice and get that comfort that only a mother can give. Losing my mom is something that still hurts deeply. I see people spending time with their parents, talking with them, visiting them, and it reminds me how precious that relationship is. If you are blessed enough to still have a parent you’re close to, treasure that time. Truly treasure it. Life moves so quickly and those moments are irreplaceable.
Over the years I’ve also carried a lot of grief from relationships that I believed were real but ultimately were not. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships and even family relationships that I invested deeply in. Letting go of those things isn’t easy. It’s not just about partially letting go it’s about truly releasing them and accepting the reality of what they were. I’ve spent years doing the work to heal from that. Counseling, reflection, prayer, learning how to see patterns clearly instead of ignoring them. For a long time I blamed myself for things that were never mine to carry. Now I understand that many of those relationships failed because of the other person’s inability to communicate, their commitment issues, their avoidance, or unresolved trauma that they brought into the relationship. When people refuse to heal their past, they carry it forward and it damages everything around them.
Because of that journey, boundaries have become incredibly important to me. I used to give endless chances. I used to believe that forgiveness meant allowing people back into my life over and over again. Now I understand the difference. Forgiveness is something I give freely because that’s what my faith teaches me. But access is something entirely different. Just because I forgive someone does not mean they get a seat at my table anymore. If someone is blocked, they stay blocked. If someone no longer has access to my life, there is a reason for that. I’ve allowed people back too many times in the past only to feel foolish later when the same patterns repeated themselves. I refuse to live like that anymore.
At the same time, I remain hopeful about the future. I believe in love, in marriage, and in building a life with someone who shares my faith and values. I’m not interested in the modern dating culture that treats relationships casually. That has never been who I am and never will be. My faith and my values guide how I approach relationships. If God brings someone into my life someday, it will be someone who is grounded in faith, family, commitment, and integrity. Until then, I am completely at peace waiting. Healing, growing, and becoming the best version of myself is far more important than rushing into something that isn’t right.
There are still moments like tonight where everything feels overwhelming where the pain, the exhaustion, the uncertainty about my health, finances, work, and the future all pile up at once. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on courses trying to start businesses. I’ve tried multiple entrepreneurial paths. I’ve always been someone who built things for myself rather than working for someone else long term, and the world has changed so much that it sometimes feels impossible to find a stable path forward, especially without a partner who can help share the load. Yet even on days when I feel awful physically, I’m still applying for jobs. I’m still trying. I’m still refusing to give up.
What humbles me most in all of this is remembering that no matter how hard things feel, someone else out there is going through something even harder. Being part of pancreatitis support groups exposes me to stories that are heartbreaking and frightening. People who have lost so much more than I have. People who are fighting battles far beyond what I’m facing. That perspective keeps me grounded and grateful even on the hardest days.
Despite everything, I am thankful. I am thankful for the people in my life, for my faith, for the growth that came through pain, for the boundaries that now protect my peace, and for the wisdom that comes with maturity and reflection. Life has taught me that true beauty comes from the inside, not the outside. That humility matters more than pride. That kindness and compassion matter more than being right. That healing requires honesty with yourself and the courage to let go of what no longer belongs in your life.
After writing this, I did make it to my doctor’s appointment and we had a long conversation about everything that has been happening. One of the things they suggested was getting a second opinion regarding my chronic illness. I understand the idea behind that, although I don’t completely agree with everything they said. At the same time, I know how important it is to continue advocating for yourself and making sure you are doing everything possible to get the right answers.
Another complication that has been happening lately is that my blood pressure has been extremely low. The doctors believe it is most likely related to the medications causing dehydration, which has been creating even more challenges for me. The plan right now is to try to eat something every two hours and significantly increase my water intake. For someone dealing with pancreatitis and strict food limitations, that is easier said than done. I struggle with anything that has too much sugar because it can trigger flares, so trying to figure out what I can eat more frequently without causing problems has been difficult.
The dizziness has honestly been one of the hardest parts of this complication. It started Thursday and even Saturday morning I was still dealing with it, although it was a little better than the day before. When your blood pressure drops like that, it makes you feel incredibly unsteady and weak. It’s another layer on top of an already exhausting situation, and I would be lying if I said it hasn’t felt defeating at times.
My son came down yesterday and spent some time with me, which meant more than he probably realizes. My daughter has been very busy with her own life, and their household has been really sick the last couple of weeks, so everyone has been juggling a lot. They all have full lives, and that is something I’m thankful for. At the same time, when you’re going through health struggles like this, those quiet moments can feel very long.
Because of the dizziness and everything going on physically, I won’t be attending church this Sunday. That is never an easy decision for me because church is something that fills my heart and reminds me how strong community and faith can be. But sometimes the most responsible thing you can do is give your body the rest it needs so that you can recover.
I appreciate all the love, kindness, and prayers that people continue to send my way. It means more than I can put into words. I wish I had more positive updates to share, but this is simply the reality of what this season of life looks like right now. I’m still doing my best, still praying, still trusting God, and still taking things one day at a time. Even when things feel heavy, I believe God is still working behind the scenes. Sometimes faith simply means continuing to believe that something good is still being written in the middle of a very hard chapter.